


all i have now is regret

by moonlitkwan



Series: falling for u [7]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a sad ending, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Exes!Jihan, Exes!Yoonhong, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Idols, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Not a toxic relationship, Pining, Post-Break Up, Sad Ending, and joshua is also stupid, but he really loves jeonghan so much, but it's barely there, but there's a reason why, fanboy!soonyoung, hear me out first, idol!jeonghan, joshua remembering their breakup, joshua says really mean things, just a warning though, so feel free to punch him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27402418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitkwan/pseuds/moonlitkwan
Summary: Joshua regretted nothing.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: falling for u [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2001655
Kudos: 24





	all i have now is regret

Joshua regretted nothing.

"Hey Shua-hyung," Joshua fluttered his eyes closed and curved his hand to a fist as he did his best to resist the sweet satisfaction of strangling Soonyoung who was behaving enthusiastically beside him. It was not that he hated the younger male, but it was because Joshua was such in a bad mood, his brain malfunctioning that resulted to him struggling and not being able to come up with a great content to write and he wanted to throw himself away. 

Joshua loved his friend, he truly did, but at that moment he wanted to brush Soonyoug away and curse at him to leave the former alone because his own mind was betraying him and the empty notebook he had in his grasp was settling an uneasy feeling in his chest, but because he knew he was going to feel guilty afterwards by the time all the negativity he attracted that day would disperse away from his body and all he'd be left with was a pouty Soonyoung wanting a free meal as compensation, Joshua decided to just unwillingly take off his earphones and strain out a smile, saying, "What?"

"Do you know Yoon Jeonghan?" Joshua froze and forgot how to breathe at the sound of his ex-lover's name tumbling out of his friend's lips, accidentally letting go of the pencil he was holding as a result. He watched it fall to the ground with a faint thud echoing in the air but all he could hear was the way how fast and how hard his heart was thumping against his chest just by the name alone. 

"I used to." He murmured under his own breath once he managed to calm himself down and tried to feign nonchalance, although he was making sure that his voice was too low and inaudible enough for the other male to not hear anything. How could Joshua not know Jeonghan? For the latter would always keep him awake at some nights and creep in his thoughts until the break of dawn, haunt him in his dreams and was eternally engraved in his memories. 

Jeonghan was the best, and the worst thing that ever happened to him. For they shared memories that were bittersweet - sometimes not too happy, not too sad - and they were all in between.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"No," the words tasted wrong in his mouth, it tasted bitter and there were tears threatening to fall from his eyes but he blinked them all away and took one sharp intake of breath before facing Soonyoung with a determined glint in his eyes, "who is he?"

"Really?" Surprise was evident in Soonyoung's eyes and a gasp was tugged out of his lips. "You're missing out on talent, hyung!" 

Soonyoung slapped his arm in a not so light manner and squealed so loud that the older male was disappointed that the grounds didn't open up and suck him in because Joshua was no longer sure if he could still keep up with his friend's antics. He even thought that his eardrums would explode at that very moment but what caught him off his guard instead was Soonyoung's sudden movement of shoving his phone to Joshua's face very closely, the older male's nose almost touching the center of the screen as a result.

Soonyoung was doing his best to shamelessly promote his idol to Joshua, dropping out random facts and showing videos about Jeonghan with the hopes to catch his attention but Joshua was tempted to say that he didn't need to do all of this for him. 

Joshua knew the idol like he was the palm of his hand and knew of all Jeonghan's performances that never failed to take his breath away before it was even released out to the public, but all good things come to an end sometimes and if Joshua wanted to take a trip down memory lane, all he needed to do was to replay back all of their videos that were saved in his phone and cry at the pictures that he couldn't bring himself to delete.

There was never a day that Joshua wouldn't cry at things that would always make him remember his ex-lover.

Even looking at simple things like a toothbrush was enough for Joshua to be bombarded with an onslaught of their memories and have a breakdown in the middle of his bathroom, flashes of Jeonghan's smile erupting inside his mind and how his toothbrush was always beside the former's but now, all he had was solitude. And regrets. A few of them. Or probably a lot, the male just didn't want to constantly remind himself of all the remorseful things he had done in the past.

Hoodies. Jeonghan loved to wear Joshua's clothes because it smelled like him. _"It's like you're with me even when we're far apart."_ Joshua could hear his voice and imagine the big and warm hug that his ex-lover would always give to him at the end of his daily practices and vocal sessions. 

Joshua's camera. Jeonghan loved to use it even though it wasn't his and loved to take pictures of Joshua especially when he wasn't looking, loved to take pictures of themselves being sweet and cuddly even though no one else had the fortunate chance to see it, loved the way how the clouds were painted in the sky and couldn't stop himself from stealing a shot, or of anything else that could grab Jeonghan's attention easily.

And Jeonghan loved to post them all in the white wall on the corner of their room to always make them remember why life was worth living, but now, that said wall was empty and all the pictures posted were now thrown to a box that was meant to be thrown away or burned but Joshua never had the strength to throw it away, much less burn it. 

The box was now like a monument of their relationship - in spite of holding memories that Joshua couldn't bear himself to handle - he still wanted to remember them at some points of his life because those were the times that he was truly happy. And memories were the last things that Jeonghan left him, and the last things that reminded him of who Yoon Jeonghan was in his life, that Yoon Jeonghan was once a part of his life.

It didn't feel right to be without Jeonghan, it was so hard to go through a day where he wouldn't receive the daily hugs that his ex-lover promised to give to him ever since they first started dating before he got scouted, so hard to live a lifetime without Jeonghan by his side but who was he to come back to him when it was Joshua himself who ended their relationship?

Joshua never paid attention to what Soonyoung was proclaiming about, his eyes might've been fixed entirely on the video the latter was showing but his thoughts were drifting towards somewhere else and was flashing him memories that he didn't want to remember especially on such a crowded location. 

It was snowing that day, Joshua remembered. It was also their anniversary yet he remembered how colder he was than snow. How he threw spiteful and venomous words to the love of his life even though deep inside, Joshua didn't mean every single one of it and that every word that came out of his mouth tore his own heart apart.

Joshua could still remember how Jeonghan's agency threatened him to end their relationship or else the latter's dreams would never come true.

He could still remember how that day ended with tears and heartbreaks, with broken promises and regrets lingering in the cold air.

_Joshua was not aware that he was wearing a wide beam on his face, he was too busy planning all of the things that he and his lover would do tomorrow to celebrate their first anniversary to be conscious enough of his surroundings, but all his thoughts and the smile he carried was thrown to the nearest corner at the words of Jeonghan's superior repeatedly barking back at him, the excitement in his chest vanishing away to the thin air as anger and confusion abruptly sparked inside of him. He fought off the urge to roll his eyes at the man. "You must be kidding me."_

_"I believe kidding is unprofessional, Mr. Hong." The man chuckled, forced and fake but Joshua kept his silence. The attempt of laughing it off didn't lift the atmosphere at all and instead, it gave more way for tension to reside and suffocate the male, each beat of the seconds passing by was knocking the air out of his lungs to the point that Joshua had almost forgotten what it was like to breathe. "Mr. Hong, jokes are for children and immature people. I am a professional and I don't have time to play jokes with someone_ _who does not deserve a share of my time. I'd like to repeat myself again for the last time. Break up with Yoon Jeonghan."_

_"Why would I even do that? Heck no, I won't." The man even had the audacity to tell him that. Joshua grimaced and emphasized each of his words firmly, making sure that the man would understand and finally gain back the common senses that his brain might've lost at some parts of his life but the man let out a sigh of what Joshua thought of as disbelief and annoyance._

_This man was surely testing his patience. It took every bit of Joshua's strength and might not to land a punch on the man's face and even throw the table to the ground. His hands were secretly folded into fists, Joshua wanted to release out the pent-up frustrations he was feeling but he did his best to stay calm and composed, even though he wanted to throw the man out and dump his body in Han River._

_Who was he to give Joshua orders? Did the man forgot that Joshua was a human being, and mistaken him as a loyal dog who would gladly do all of the things that he would ask him to do?_

_The man said nonchalantly, something strange glistening in his eyes as he weaved his hands together but the light that slightly flickered in his eyes vanished to the thin air before a second could even pass. "I am afraid to say Mr. Hong that your decision would put Yoon Jeonghan's career at stake."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"We believe," the man continued. "That your relationship can affect the boy's career and it could be his downfall."_

_"How can I affect him? I am his boyfriend!" Joshua was not the type to lose his composure that easily. But he was ready to fight against anything out if that meant that he could save his boyfriend's career that didn't even start yet. He thought of the times that there were stars sparkling in Jeonghan's eyes at the discussion of his debut, thought of the times Jeonghan bloomed even when he was just merely inside a dance practice room with his soulful and angelic voice enveloping the area, thought of the times Jeonghan cried because he really wanted to become an idol, and thought of all the hardships and struggles Jeonghan had gone through just to reach his dream. And to have it be taken away from him? Joshua would never allow that to happen._

_"Exactly," the man nodded, an unsettling smile stretched on his lips that ticked Joshua off so much he wasn't sure if he wanted to punch him or puke on him. Joshua was this close to losing his patience, as much as he wanted to knock some senses to the brain the man lacked, he was determined to contain his emotions to the very end. For Jeonghan, for his future and for his dream._

_"You can be a distraction, and we certainly don't want our precious boy to set his mind out of his goal because of you. And think of the fans he will disappoint if they find out that their idol was already dating someone. And that he's-" The man paused in his words, head tilting as if he was carefully weighing his thoughts down before opening back his mouth, "-not single anymore. All these variables can be the downfall of his career, leading to our own downfall as well and we don't want that to happen."_

_Joshua felt guilty not being able to keep his composure but he couldn't stop himself from shouting out of anger and frustration inside the room. His hands were itching to grab the man's collar and punch the daylights out of him, tempted to utter out the words that he was a selfish jerk who didn't care for others. 'Downfall my butt, you just want to keep your reputation!' Joshua wanted to do all of these but he knew that Jeonghan would be either mad or disappointed at him and he didn't want that to happen, just thinking of that alone was enough to shred his heart into finely scattered pieces. "You can't do that! Especially to Jeonghan!"_

_"We can," the man laughed and nothing was even funny. "Watch us, with just one swipe of a finger your Jeonghannie can say goodbye to his dreams."_

_"Choose wisely Mr. Hong," he continued. "Your relationship or Jeonghan's dreams."_

_Even though the man already left, his words remained in Joshua's head, it was taunting him repeatedly as if it was a broken record player. Joshua couldn't find it in himself to function properly, it was like he was drained out of every bit of his life source and all that remained was his shell of a body. He couldn't think straight, and all he could manage to do was to trail out a pathway of tears on his cheeks. The words echoed without any exerted effort, and Joshua didn't know what to feel anymore. 'Your relationship or Jeonghan's dreams?'_

_Joshua wanted to scream at the top of his lungs but instead, he grabbed a fistful of his hair and tugged it down harshly as an alternate way of venting out his frustration without making too much noise. He was alone in the room but the male didn't want anyone from outside to hear his cries. His chest was clenching with so much pain, it was impossible to breathe. The words never stopped ringing in his head and Joshua begged for them to stop already, they were too determined to drive away his sanity that Joshua didn't know what he was supposed to do anymore._

_By the time Jeonghan came home, he was met with a silence that was deafening and unsettling. The male was not sure what caused Joshua to suddenly act differently in front of him - Jeonghan could tell that his boyfriend looked stiff and stoic - but he couldn't question it any further as Joshua abruptly grabbed his hand and told him they were going to stroll out of the blue. Although Jeonghan was worried and curious in the same time, he kept his silence and uttered no word about it._

_It was midnight already when they came back, snow falling slowly along with Joshua's heart that was gradually slipping into a dark abyss and that nothing or even no one - not even himself - could manage to save it. The male knew what was going to happen the moment they would step inside the house, knew that he was going to destroy his very own world once he would drop the bomb but it was for the best, Joshua reminded himself, that it was for Jeonghan's career and for his future. Even if it was a future that Joshua was not a part of._

_"Jeonghan?"_

_"Yes, Shua?"_

_"I can't do this anymore."_

_A deep silence ensued._

_"W-what?" Joshua looked away and fixed his gaze on the window instead, not willing to look into the eyes of someone he loved so much without falling apart as well. It was tragic. The male tried to distract himself by looking at the snow that was slowly enveloping the streets but all he could think about was how he was going to lose Jeonghan that moment, and knowing that this was their final time together. Joshua didn't want to look him in the eye because he knew that he wouldn't be able to suppress the temptation to run back and ask him not to leave. But Jeonghan needed to forget him, it was for his future and for his career, and Joshua would do anything just to make his lover's dreams come true. Even if it was a dream he wasn't included in._

_Swallowing all of the apologies that were rolling on the tip of his tongue, tasting already the bitter taste of regret and guilt on his lips, Joshua forced himself to say with his teeth gritted out, "Let's break up."_

_"W-what?" Surprise and pain was evident in Jeonghan's eyes, the first sorry almost slipped out of Joshua's mouth and he tried so hard to ignore how Jeonghan's voice cracked. He tried to ignore the pain that was already clenching in his chest and the tears that were starting to sting his eyes. "W-why?"_

_"Because I don't love you." The words were sour in his mouth and it took every ounce of his strength not to break the façade that he was putting on. "I never did."_

_"But you said---" Joshua knew it was a big mistake to turn his head and meet Jeonghan's eyes, seeing how tears were flowing out, Joshua almost surrendered that very moment. With all the self-restraint and control Joshua had, he tried not to run to where Jeonghan was and wipe his tears away, tried to suppress the yearning to wrap his arms around Jeonghan's frame and hug him tightly. Joshua tried with the every bit of strength he had left not to tell Jeonghan the true reason why he was doing this - why he was acting like this - and instead gazed back at the window._

_"And you believed it?" Tears were starting to fall from his eyes, but Joshua feigned nonchalance and ignored the way his heart was aching. The male was quite relieved that from this angle, Jeonghan couldn't see his face, couldn't see the tears that were falling out from his eyes. Jeonghan didn't need to see him like this. Joshua knew what was going to happen, knew what to expect but it didn't mean that it was going to hurt any less. It pained him to utter it out but Joshua forced himself to speak with such venom and spite even though it was also killing him in the inside. "You believed all the lies I told you?"_

_"Joshua, stop lying---"_

_"Yes, it's getting boring now and I decided to tell you the truth so that you would stop being around me so much. It was kinda annoying, did you know that?" Life was never boring because I had you by my side. You made me reflect that life was not so bad after all and that it was worth living because you were there. You lightened up my whole world and I loved every moment you were beside me. I cherished every time we had together and I always miss you. I always wait for your hugs, wait for your cuddles and kisses, and just wait for you to come back to me. You're my home, my safe haven, and my querencia, but I need to let you go now._

_"I never loved you." Stop, stop, stop, his heart tried to say and begged, tried to escape the daggers that were being thrown to its direction but Joshua allowed his heart to be defenseless and ignored its pleas and cries, ignoring how much it was breaking and how it was being torn into pieces._

_I love every side of you, every part of you, and every little thing that made you as you, Yoon Jeonghan. My love for you is real, and I know that this will be the only thing that is going to keep me alive now that you're gone._

_"You don't know how much I wanted to throw up every time I said I love you to you," I love you, I am so in love with you that I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. Maybe at least have three dogs or two but now, it's all up to you. I am no longer part of your future, Jeonghan. I am so sorry. Please forgive me, for I am doing this for you. And forget me. Forget me, please. "Are you really that naïve? Desperate to be loved that you believed all my lies?"_

_"Stop---"_

_Joshua wanted to stop too. He wanted to stop his mouth from crumbling every wall of confidence that Jeonghan worked so hard for every day down, hated himself for saying all of this when he didn't even mean it and loathed himself even more for breaking all of the promises that he vowed to Jeonghan when they first started dating. But Joshua was left with no other choice. The male needed to make sure that Jeonghan would vehemently hate him, and only put his focus entirely on his career. Joshua needed to make the male hate him to end things and save Jeonghan's dreams no matter what the cost, even if their hearts and their relationship were the price that he needed to pay._

_"But it was really fun to toy with your feelings at first, Jeonghan. It was fun while it lasted. But sometimes, you're so boring to the point that I need to find someone else to entertain me while you're out there training and reaching for that pathetic dream of yours." I love how passionate you are towards your dream, how you don't give up even though things are sometimes hard for you, how you still do your best to make me feel happy and loved even though you are tired from all the practices and sessions. Your dream is not pathetic, and you will never be pathetic. I only need you, Yoon Jeonghan. I don't need anyone else but forgive me. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me._

_"You're lying!"_

_"Too bad I'm not. I can't play this game anymore, it's boring already. I hope you'll reach your pathetic dreams I doubt you won't even reach." I know you can do it, you're one of the most strongest person I've ever known. I know that you'll put up a fight and I know that you can reach it even without me. You are such an amazing human being and you deserve to be happy. I never deserved you. Such a phenomenal man like you didn't deserve to have someone as pathetic as me, I could only weigh you down and it's time for you to roam free. I will never forget you, Jeonghan. Thank you for loving me and for allowing me to love you, even though our ending is like this. I will always be proud of you, Hannie. "I pity you sometimes, you know? You think you can please everyone, reach that stupid dream of yours when in fact you're a burden and bother to everyone."_

_"We're a mistake, this relationship was a mistake." You were never a mistake, and you were never a burden. And you are the best thing that ever happened to me, Jeonghan. My favorite person and now, my favorite memory. I don't think I've ever loved someone this much, never loved anyone the way I love you. Even if you'll forget and hate me, I'll still be here silently loving you. All I have now is regret and the love I have for you._

_"Should I continue? Oh wait, what's the point?" Joshua wiped away the tears that fell from his eyes furiously. His soul had died, and he knew that he would be carrying numbness and ache in his heart for a very long time. "You won't understand." You won't understand why I am doing this to you. Just hate me and go, you don't need to know the full story. I'll carry the regret and pain while you go on with your life, Jeonghan. Don't be sorry and don't be guilty that I have to bear this on my own. I'll still choose you no matter what, and I'll still choose your dream over mine even if I'm asked for the second time._

_Hearts were broken, tears were shed and promises were forgotten._

_While Jeonghan gathered all his things, Joshua remained stiffly in his spot, using all of the energy he had left to control himself from running back to Jeonghan and beg for his forgiveness. Joshua was doing his best to stop himself from asking his now ex-lover to take him back and not to leave._

_"I still love you." That was the last thing Jeonghan said to him before walking out of the door._

_Before he walked out of his life._

_Joshua pretended not to hear it._

_I love you so very much. I'll always love you so so so much._

_Joshua didn't bother to run after him._

_Jeonghan deserved someone better than him._

He destroyed his own world at the day of their anniversary, broke his and Jeonghan's hearts and they were beyond the point of no return.

".....And I love his song so much, Falling For U, I heard a rumor that it was inspired by real-life events alongside his ex-lover but I'm not really sure. You know how the media likes to twist words or create false news nowadays. I'm not even sure if he had a past relationship. Anyways...." Soonyoung started to blabber out another batch of words, professing his love for Jeonghan's artistry but to Joshua, he heard nothing.

Joshua regretted nothing.

That was, until Joshua ended things with Jeonghan for the sake of the latter's career.

But seeing now as the male's dreams came true, and that Joshua was proud of him, maybe it was for the best.


End file.
